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So...it's now midnight, and I've tried to go to bed FOUR times.  Each time, my mind starts going to places that, so far, I've been able to keep it from going.  I can't stop crying, and I KNOW that there's still a chance that this is all going to have a happy ending, but, I can't keep that nagging idea from popping back into my head...my dad might die.

I'm trying REALLY hard to continue to push the thoughts out of my mind, but it's not working.  There's still so much I still want to do with him, and so many things I still want to say to him, and I worry about mom being alone in that big house, and I mourn for my nieces who know him, but might not have the opportunity to REALLY get to know him as they grow up and mature, and form that relationship that adults have with their grandparents. 

I mourn for the holidays that could now be emptier.  I mourn for their trips to the cities to spend the weekend with all of us, and I mourn for the guidance that he's been so AMAZING at giving me in my life, and the possibility that there might not be any more from him coming my way.

I want to talk to my coherent father, and assure him that everything is going to be okay, and to have him assure ME that everything is going to be okay. 

I want to go to Tingley, and get in the back of his pickup, and have him drive down all of those winding, overgrown gravel and dirt roads outside town...and have him stop whenever I yell "that's a great photo op"!

I want him to barbecue pork chops, and hamburgers, and hot dogs...even in January (because he never says no...no matter what time of year it is).

I DON'T WANT TO SPEAK OF MY FATHER IN PAST-TENSE!!!!!

I should have called more.  I should have visited more.  I should have said "I love you" more.  I REALLY want the opportunity to do those things now.

I just want my dad back...